16 5 / 2013
I’m so over the people who judge me like nobody’s business because I’ve changed so much over this past year. I have already expressed my thoughts on this, and how everyone changes because change in inevitable and essentially a good thing depending on how you take it. Yes, I get it once upon a time we were all in high school and preached being above the influence and how we’d never do it because we didn’t know better.
Get the fuck over it, I drink now. Yes, I do. And yes, I was surprised at first too. But I am me, I still have the same morals, I still know what I’m trying to do in life, and I know more than ever what I want to do in the future. But I get it, it’s not who I used to be, but it is now. What are you going to do about it? Honestly, judging you isn’t going to get you anywhere and thinking lowly of me isn’t going to get you anywhere. Look at me, I am at a 4 year university, I am doing rather well and I don’t plan on going anywhere until I have a degree. I’m not even bitching about how I don’t like it here cause I CLEARLY chose to be here. I’m not coming home every month because I miss my family cause I’m actually an independent person now. Cause you know what happened since I got to college? I grew up. Unlike you, who has so much to learn about life and growing up because you rely on your mother and father for just about anything. Your successes are not yours, they are what your parents were able to buy you. Everything I have right now in my life, I have earned and I have pursued to get.
To be honest, when you judge me and you tell me these things that I can’t have or tell me who I am because I drink now… You need to shut the hell up. Because I drink, I’ve learned to prioritize my responsibilities, Drinking is not a thing I do because I’m bored and because I can. Yes, I can drink whenever I want to, but I do it because I have decided to reward myself for having a successful week studying and balancing my hectic schedule. I am so over you implying that I am not good enough and I won’t go anywhere in life because of the choices I have made; at least I can say I made these choices for myself whereas you just lurk around trying to please everyone because that is all you were taught as a child.
I pray that you realize that growing up is a process and everyone has this stage in life. Cause to be honest, I was where you were at some point of my life, and I get it. We judge people who are not like us and I completely see where you are coming from. But from experience, let me tell you it is time to accept people for who they are.
I am not a party animal, nor am I an alcoholic; but I’ve accepted the fact that you are ignorant and childish.
To be honest, I am really glad I drink. I am really glad I opened up to new experiences and to new circles of friends. Because these are the people who I know are willing to take care of me when I’m sick. These are the people who constantly include me in plans, and these are the people who remind me that school comes first. Without exposing myself to this, I would have never realized the world around me. And I have experiences so much in the past 20 weeks, more than I have in 18 years. So while you tell yourself that you are above the influence, I take this time to tell you that I have influenced myself. And my success is through what I have aimed to do and all the things I plan on doing; like drinking this weekend.
You know why I’m going to drink this weekend? Not because I can, but because I turned in an internship application for a law firm that I am prectically guaranteed a position, I finished my math homework that is due in 2 weeks, I have an A+ in Calculus, I haven’t ditched a single class this entire quarter, I have enrolled in classes for next quarter, I have started studying for my math midterm which is next Friday.
So while you stay above the influence, I experience it with open arms and no stress on my back.
Ps, this is how you find your real friends, and you are obviously not one of them. Also, I don’t care if you used to look up to me because you look up to people who kiss ass just like you, and little brown noses, I’m sorry to tell you, but no one likes them.
13 5 / 2013
The one thing you should probably know about me, before ever knowing me is; I’m emotionally unstable. My life has been a turn of events for the worse. I can’t hold a stable friendship with a guy without wanting more; and I don’t get over people… like ever. My life has been a huge disappointments with guys who I entrust too much into and I get noting in return. I invest so much time, and all of my feelings/emotions into a person and I become rather overwhelming; I guess. I’m unstable. That’s as simple as it gets. I don’t require much and I never have, but I am a lot to deal with. I’m so unstable that I’m not even sure what I want at this point of my life. I just want to be loved; that’s the one thing that I have always known I wanted. And if that’s all too much to ask for, then I don’t know what to ask for in this world.
Before you even think about getting to know my name and my face; just think about the disappointment in my eyes that I have received from every guy I have possibly ever poured my heart to. Because believe me, that is a few too many guys for anyone’s good. Or not. Maybe i’m just exaggerating a shit ton. But really. I’m one hot mess, and before you even think that maybe there could be something; think about if you’re willing to put the time and effort into me and then realizing that Shit, Carolyn really is unstable and she needs some serious professional help. Because I get it. At this point I should stop being so disappointed and so angry at these people who think that they’re the better part of me before they realize that I’m way too much to handle and things are wrong with me, that not a soul can solve. But hey, that’s okay too. Because I won’t stop trying and I won’t give up on what I want. But until then, my emotions fly out of control and latch onto any soul willing to even smile at me because that’s just the way I am. I want to see happiness for myself for once, and not for my friends who stole it away from me.
13 5 / 2013
A little bit of me wishes I knew you a different way, not to say that something is wrong with you right now. But if I knew you in a different way I feel like I would appreciate you more. Knowing the turn of events and all the happenings, our relationship as even friends has been put on hold. I really can’t even look at you without feeling disgusted, and I know you could potentially be a really cool person. Knowing you and meeting you under the circumstances that we did makes everything so much worse because I really want to believe that you’re a great and amazing person because you have the potential to be. Right now, all I can think about is you doing shit with all the wrong people, and the people I truly cared about. Not only did you end up ruining our relationship, you essentially put a strain on the relationship I had with one of my closest college friends and the person who was once my confidant. I understand you didn’t have these intentions at first, and I know we had a good thing going on, but I didn’t need you to ruin everything for me.
The one thing that has been on my mind more than anything is what if I knew you differently? I am extremely fortunate to have met a person like you. And I am glad we met, because you have proved to be a great help and a great influence in my life. But if I had met you with different views and different motives; how much different would things be. Maybe I wouldn’t be bitter right now, maybe the feelings wouldn’t linger even after bad news, maybe I would have never been attracted to you in the first place. The time and energy I put into making sure you did well; I realize I didn’t spend enough time on me and what I needed was for you to take time of our your day and realize that the world didn’t just revolve around you. You never understood that.
If I knew you differently; as just friends how would things be. I question that so much, I am so honored to have met you, but if I knew you as my friend, as a friend of a friend I think I might like you so much better right now. But you managed to fuck that up when you fucked the absolute one person you know you shouldn’t have. And now I’m here in a bitter melancholy of what we used to be, or what we never were.
I wish I knew you differently; because maybe then we’d still be friends. And I sure as hell would prefer that over what ever is going on now.